Today is my last full day before I leave for Philippines for a month. I’m excited but I’m also really scared. Tomorrow, I’ll be flying by myself for the first time. Not only that, but it’ll also be the first day of the whole month that I am gonna be away from my boyfriend. This is gonna be the longest time I’ve been away from my boyfriend. I don’t know why I’m so scared about it or why it bothers me so much. I mean, I’ve been away from a boyfriend for a long period of time like this before, but not with this boyfriend. And like, I trust him, I really do, you know? I guess I’m just scared.. Like, I really don’t want to lose him. He keeps telling me not to worry, but that’s easier said than done. I really love him and I don’t think I’ve ever been this much in love with someone before. It’s crazy. I can’t stop thinking about, I always wanna be with him. I’m his first and only girlfriend too. Maybe that’s why I’m scared. But I don’t know. I’m really I don’t even know the word to describe it. I’m nervous to leave though. I guess I’m scared that things will change all of a sudden during the month that I’m gone. I know I shouldn’t. And that I should trust him, but I guess I’ve been fucked over so much in the past that it’s hard not to get scared. I love him and I know he loves me, too. I should just chill out and trust him. I do trust him. I can’t let this fear take the best of me. He means a lot to me. More than anyone’s ever meant to me. I think that’s what scares me the most. The thought of losing him. My boyfriend said I should stop thinking negatively. I know I should but that’s hard for someone who gets so paranoid like me. I just love my boyfriend so much. All I need to do now, is trust.

Fucking annoyed as fuck. It’s our fucking anniversary and we’re fighting. I was fucking crying and what does he do? Absolutely nothing but gets mad at me. What the fuck is that shit?! Now he’s playing a stupid game while I’m fucking doing homework. At first, he said we’ll talk when he’s done with what he was doing. Then, when he’s done doing that shit, I fucking ask him, “Can we please talk now?” and he said, “Why?” And of course, I’m like, are you fucking joking me what the fuck. And then, I go, “So we can stop fighting already”. And then, I repeat again, “So, can we please talk now?” and then, his fucking ass goes, “Can we please talk later?” so I get fucking annoyed but not show it and just walk away. And then, he fucking goes “Thanks”. Fucking shit dude. It’s our fucking nine months anniversary and I’m fucking leaving for Philippines next Saturday and this shit is happening. Are you fucking joking me?! I’m hella fucking pissed right now. It’s not even fucking funny. Fuck this shit, dude. I was hella fucking crying earlier and he didn’t do jack shit. Whatever. Oh, and you know what fucking hurts the most? When I fucking asked him, “Do you not care about how I feel or my feelings?” Wanna know what he fucking said?! He fucking said, “No I don’t”.. Hella fucking straight up like that. Whatever dude. I am beyond pissed right now. Fucking whatever. Shows how much he fucking cares about me. This really hurts because OF COURSE, I fucking let it slide and just stoop down to the level of not even considering my feelings whatsoever. Here I am back to only being concerned with his feelings and how HE feels about everything. Fuck how I feel. It doesn’t even fucking matter how I feel. Nobody fucking cares.

So, I decided to make this new blog as my personal blog so that I can blog down how I feel and whatever without having so many people follow me. I probably won’t use this as a blog to reblog stuff either. 

Today is Thanksgiving <3 First of all, I am thankful of course, for my family. Sure, we get on each other’s nerves, but I know that they will always be there for me no matter what and I will always love them, like how they will always love me. Second of all, I am thankful for all my friends. I have such a great group of friends, especially my close ones who I can really count on. My friends are always there for me, through thick and thin. They are always there keeping me sane, supporting me, being there for me, and caring about me. 

And lastly, I am thankful for my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been through so much in one year. I know that I may get on his nerves and he may get on my nerves, but he is still my one and only. He means so much to me, more than he will ever know. He’s very special to me. He’s different from other guys. We’re different, but we click. I feel the most happiest when I am with him. And I sincerely mean that. I love just being with him. He makes me so happy. I know we don’t agree on a lot of things, but we still try to make it work. I know he’s new to the whole relationship thing because I am his first and only girlfriend, so I try my best to think of both sides. Yesterday, we had a deep talk. Things were said that made me happy, but things were also said that hurt me, but I’m glad he told me, instead of hiding it and keeping it bottled inside. But after that deep talk, we are still together and still loving each other and happy. All I know, is that through everything we’ve been through, I love him and only him, and I am thankful to have in my life and to call him my boyfriend.

This is what he texted me at 4:18am (I typed it verbatim, so that’s why there are typos LOL): “Because of yoh i will participate in this festive tradition you call “thanksgiving” and i am text you to say that i am beyond thankful to have met you and have you in my life.. You have changed my life.. You have been a part of some of the happiest moments in my life.. Life would not be the same with out you. I love you baby and i am thankful to call you my girlfriend” <3